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Appearance
The days of curating an outfit, doing my hair, or putting on make-up are long gone. In fact, on days alone with my child, I completely forget to address my appearance at all. Like that time I went to the grocery store with nutella mouth. Or when I answered the door nipple-first.
Every morning in selecting a shirt I ask the ultimate question “how fast can I whip my boob out of this?” It’s like the WIld West, for boobs. This instantly disqualifies about 60% of my shirts, and the other 40% my boobs are too big for. And yes, that IS a problem because once you are too busty for a shirt it pulls in the armpits and who needs to be uncomfortable in addition to sleep deprived and generally frazzled. Ideal clothing is clothing I can’t feel I’m wearing. Like a Muumuu. Every evening I look forward to putting on my nightgown. It’s like being naked, but warmer.
Shaving/waxing any area of my body is so low on my list of priorities that I’m praying for au naturele to be back in style. I find the concept of removing my hair for my own or any other peoples’ benefit laughably ridiculous.
Some good news: not washing your hair is just fabulous for it. My fat ass makes sitting on chairs comfier than ever and being soft means I’m a great pillow.
2. General Regard for Cleanliness
It used to drive me nuts when my husband forgot to wash the back of dishes. And now? COULDN’T. CARE. LESS.
Flecks of food still on the plate? Eh, nothing a quick wipe of a towel can’t fix.
Food on the floor? 5,10, 20 second rule!
Is this stew from last week still good? Let’s play leftover roulette!
One of my son’s first words was “dirt” and we’ve successfully taught him to take our sizable dust-bunnies to the garbage can. When life gives you lemons.
Dirty bathroom? Nothing a verbal disclaimer to the guests can’t fix! If a guest complains, write them off IMMEDIATELY.
Man, if my pre-baby self could see this house now. Oh well – a dirty house is a house full of love. Or something.
3. Sex
Not only in frequency, but within the act itself. Good ol’ vanilla. Try something new? Yeah right, I’m just going to lie here. Taking my clothes off was effort enough.
I believe the term is “starfish.”
And let’s just say the baby wrist doesn’t help.
4. How Children Behave
“Gawd, can you believe [friend’s] crazy kids? That would never fly with me.”
The moment those words come out of your mouth, God notes you down in the list “Moms who Deserve Brats.”
Honestly, as long as my kid doesn’t bite someone, or make them cry more than once, it’s considered a playdate “win.”
My less than 2 year old walked into the kitchen the other day yelling “fucking dishwasher!” while my most pious friend was over, no less.
Judge me. I dare you.
5. Screen Time
As an ignorant pregnant lady, I smugly knew that I would never let my unborn snowflake watch tv or ipad because all the studies say how detrimental it is to… something.
Now, I beg that snowflake to watch a video if it means 5 minutes of me getting to form a coherent thought.
6. Social Life
Remember weekly or bi-weekly brunches with your buds? Well unless they have kids too and/or you are all total masochists who like to bring babies to brunch, FORGET IT. Your friends who don’t have kids yet just don’t get it.
My goal for Friday night is 2 hours of peace while I watch Pretty Little Liars, cuz that’s all my brain can handle.
In Summary
Yeah, my standards have gone down, but it’s just because I understand what’s important now. That’s what I keep telling myself, so it must be true.
In a way, you gotta admit – it’s redeeming. Mama’s tough, and just like honeybadger, knows what she wants.
Now go sign up at www.villagemommy.com to meet moms near you with similarly aged kiddos and more. Cuz we all need someone to talk to about all the ways our standards fall. And yes, I’m biased.